I'm not gonna lie: this winter has been rough on a lot of levels. We've got, oh I don't know, 7000 inches of snow, and I can't get the chill out of my body. I'll be starting a countdown soon to the day when I can sweep out the front porch and begin to move all the plants back out there. I'll probably start some seedlings indoors in the middle of March--herbs, mostly, but maybe I'll grow some lettuce this year and see how it goes in containers. The thought of warm earth, of warm water and of praying mantises and robins...the smell of spring rain.
Now I can't remember what I was going to talk about. Oh. Right. Valentine's Day. Many people don't like today, usually because they have no one to give them gifts or because they have no one to sleep with. I don't like Valentine's Day because it's the day I lost my dad when I was just a child. We've always sort of tried to re-define the day in our family and try to make it fun--my Grandpop was good at that--he'd get lots of silly gifts and things, but now he's gone too. When I was in grade school and it came time to bring in valentines for my classmates, I hated everything about it because it was so fake--no one wanted to be my valentine, and I knew it. It was just so forced.
In college we used to have a ton of fun among my group of friends--giving valentines just because we liked each other. Those years were probably the happiest times for me on this day. A few more years of life with them, and maybe my personal Valentine's Day connotations would be different than tragedy and fear. It's sad; I think in a different life I'd be fond of Valentine's Day. I'm not the gushiest person, but I like these open declarations of affection--and sometimes people need a little boost, a little prodding from the calendar to make those declarations. I just wish there wasn't a national holiday that reminded me year after year of how alone I felt that night that he died.
I never really put it in those words before, but they feel true. I hope to create new meanings for this day--ways to reclaim the joy, like in those moments with my friends or from my Grandpop. But who knows, maybe all it would take is a diamond necklace.
I'm completely kidding--diamonds are so over.
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Glad your writing again claudie.
ReplyDeleteHey Claud, I remember those valentines in college fondly, too. I am glad that both you and I got to share in them. I feel similar mixed feelings about another holiday, too because my Sister died on Easter. I am not good with specific dates, I sometime even forget my own birthday, so I really don't remember the date she died, but because it happened on Easter, I have a lot of sadness on whatever day it falls. I know that sad life changing things happen all the days of the year, but it seems to be a little more poignant when those around you have an occasion for cheer. See ya soon.
ReplyDelete"Of the Saint Valentine whose feast is on February 14, nothing is known except his name and that he was buried at the Via Flaminia north of Rome on February 14."*
ReplyDeletewe invent our myths about love and we tend to find ties between love and the death that is coming to separate (or unify?) us all.
saint valentine did nothing more than die, and we celebrate this fact forever more with candy and flowers.
i guess i take from this that from the beginning this day was meant to be a demonstration of our need to find meaning in the sadness caused by loss.
i recognize that terrible need to dig hope out of the ground. to find a reason to keep moving for those without any. to drum up the spirits and live on despite, in spite of the colossal pains inflicted upon us.
i hope i do get to see you in march like we planned. maybe the snow will be behind us and we can look forward to spring with an eagerness that we can all agree to!
*wikipedia